made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
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i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
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Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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