I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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