My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
