Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
