WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
