I smell stomach acid.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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