and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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