Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
birth control should be required to get into college
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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