i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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