Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
