I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
