He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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