So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
All I want is dick and wine.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
