your parents love me but you hate me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
