Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
