Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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