I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
