Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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