So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
