I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Text me some of your sweat
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
