Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
