I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
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I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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