I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
