can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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