If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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