i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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