As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
