hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
