I wish I only lived at night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
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Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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