It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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