Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
