When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize