I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
