I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
from now on my penis is your penis
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
