you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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