Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
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I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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