He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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