dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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