Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
