Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
