dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
