Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
