My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
