Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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