I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
