I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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