i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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