He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃