I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?