I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.