He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?