Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
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Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
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You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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