I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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