Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
