im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
