i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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