I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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