there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
