Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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