My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
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I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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