seriously i just wanna be friends
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
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This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.