I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
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So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex